Anxiety, Anxiety and More Anxiety.

The hunt for employment is a dog eat dog world and prior to now, I thought that the shade and two-facedness was only between colleagues. What I’ve discovered since graduating is that the worst culprits of all of that are those in management positions. Whether it is a status related trait or just the type of person that fits those positions, I don’t know. What I do know is that having a successful career after university is not as easy as it was ever made out to be – especially a career in childcare, I’ve found. Nursery politics are, quite frankly, a pain in the backside and not worth the trouble. I am not the type of person to befriend management with the goal of getting promoted because I believe in earning recognition for your work and for doing it successfully.

My problem right now is that I have seemingly wasted three years of a degree and two years of postgraduate experience in a sector that practices a quick rotating door, fake friendships and the constant “you’re a glorified babysitter” comments. My friends say that I should find something in retail or an office, but the truth is that that is all I applied to for six months and got nowhere. I love to work with children and to influence their growth and teach them things. It just seems that the stars are aligning against me. Things like this make me think what is truly wrong with me that I am so unlucky in work, which is no way helpful for my mental health that is already suffering. I have recently been put on new medication after having a slip and taking myself off the last lot for six months. I have learned my lesson in that sense, as the last six months have been haywire.

Next week I have to visit the job centre for the first time in my life to discuss my options and not only is that degrading to my need to provide for myself, but it is a setback for my anxiety levels. Is the person I speak to going to judge me? Are they going to think that there is something wrong with me? Will I be laughed away and told to act like an adult? Will my friends and family be better off with me not being around? Accepting help is not in my nature and never has been, but perhaps it will be better than dealing with things by myself.

The thing with mental health issues is that a lot of the time you know how you should feel, but making yourself feel that way is impossible. I need to keep telling myself that I am not a failure.

Because I am not.

I am a university graduate.

I am a childcare practitioner.

I am a hard worker.

I am a daughter, a sister and a friend.

And I deserve better than to beat myself up over the opinions of those I do not encounter.

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BLOGMAS 3 | HOLIDAYS AND ANXIETY

Blogmas Day 3... Here we are. I had planned to write something today about the bundles and bundles of wrapping I did yesterday, but instead I decided to word exactly how the festive period makes me feel. It's no secret to anyone in my life that my anxiety strikes at the worst of times and that anything involving social situations give me the worst headaches, stomach aches and every form of illness ever. Even putting it into words is hard enough and just getting this much down has taken me three hours and four cups of tea. I've considered going back to my original idea even though I didn't take any pictures of them -- I'm sure that I could do that later? But no.. anxiety is my life, and I can talk about it here. Besides, no one is reading this pile of crap anyway. I keep surprising myself when Bloglovin' automatically tweets the links to my posts, and then I went as far as retweeting it on another of my accounts. No comments yet, but people have seen it. They're clearly embarrassed for me...

Anyway.

Holidays and anxiety. The festive period is a hustle and bustle of people desperately needing something that by February, they won't care for. Or it will sit for years in the box, because they cannot possibly throw it away, as it was a gift! I am no different... My Mum buys us little pieces over the year to bulk out our present pile in December because she feels so bad about not affording much for us. Half of the time, that stuff goes into a box under my bed or stored in a corner of my room until she asks me why I haven't used it and goes on a rant about how ungrateful I am for the gifts she gets me. I don't do it on purpose, honestly. Actually, I probably should say that I try my hardest to use them, but sometimes I just don't find reason to. I love wine, but I can't get much use out of a bottle with a glass attached to the top. Too heavy to pick up!

Moving on to anxiety, though... I have to order online because I hate choosing gifts for people in front of people, I also hate going shopping on my own so Christmas puts that into overdrive as I wouldn't dare buy presents for my Mum or sister whilst they were with me. Tie that into my location...and well, Christmas shopping in Lakeside is more hell than hell itself. You've seen pictures of Black Friday sales in America? That's Lakeside over Christmas... It makes me panic, it makes me sweat, it makes me want to go home and it makes me hate myself for going through all of that. Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I do things as simple as shopping by myself without all of this drama? The truth is, I probably won't ever be able to and I'm slowly coming to terms with that. Luckily, this year I'm not working so I can just take some time to calm down if I get myself into a mess.

My top 3 calming activities right now:

• ONE: Going for a walk - I had forgotten how therapeutic that was until I went for one yesterday and it was positively glorious. I was able to put both earphones in and not worry about keeping up conversation. I could walk at my own pace and I could walk where I pleased and take as long as I wanted to. I felt free.
• TWO: Doing my makeup - Even if I'm not going out, I sometimes just put my face off and try new stuff.. I try winged eyeliner (heaven knows I have enough of them - I will find the right one!!), I try out lip colours and see how they last over time. And if I can eat with them - great to try out in the comfort of your own home in case you end up with red lippie on your chin!
• THREE: Finding something easy on Netflix to watch - Do I need to explain this one? I won't usually start a new show or watch a movie I've not seen if I'm in a weird way, because it involves too much attention and sometimes I just can't devote that when I'm busy thinking I'm public enemy number 1. I love to choose one of my favourites and watch that alone with my headphones. 

I've also recently spent a lot of time in the living room with my Mum and sister because somehow their presence soothes me -- or maybe that's the dogs cuddling on my feet...

23 days until New Year anxieties! 

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