The hunt for employment is a dog eat dog world and prior
to now, I thought that the shade and two-facedness was only between colleagues.
What I’ve discovered since graduating is that the worst culprits of all of that
are those in management positions. Whether it is a status related trait or just
the type of person that fits those positions, I don’t know. What I do know is
that having a successful career after university is not as easy as it was ever
made out to be – especially a career in childcare, I’ve found. Nursery politics
are, quite frankly, a pain in the backside and not worth the trouble. I am not
the type of person to befriend management with the goal of getting promoted
because I believe in earning recognition for your work and for doing it
successfully.
My problem right now is that I have seemingly wasted
three years of a degree and two years of postgraduate experience in a sector
that practices a quick rotating door, fake friendships and the constant “you’re
a glorified babysitter” comments. My friends say that I should find something
in retail or an office, but the truth is that that is all I applied to for six
months and got nowhere. I love to work with children and to influence their
growth and teach them things. It just seems that the stars are aligning against
me. Things like this make me think what is truly wrong with me that I am so
unlucky in work, which is no way helpful for my mental health that is already
suffering. I have recently been put on new medication after having a slip and
taking myself off the last lot for six months. I have learned my lesson in that
sense, as the last six months have been haywire.
Next week I have to visit the job centre for the first
time in my life to discuss my options and not only is that degrading to my need
to provide for myself, but it is a setback for my anxiety levels. Is the person
I speak to going to judge me? Are they going to think that there is something
wrong with me? Will I be laughed away and told to act like an adult? Will my
friends and family be better off with me not being around? Accepting help is
not in my nature and never has been, but perhaps it will be better than dealing
with things by myself.
The thing with mental health issues is that a lot of the
time you know how you should feel, but making yourself feel that way is
impossible. I need to keep telling myself that I am not a failure.
Because I am not.
I am a university graduate.
I am a childcare practitioner.
I am a hard worker.
I am a daughter, a sister and a friend.
And I deserve better than to beat myself up over the
opinions of those I do not encounter.
