Anxiety, Anxiety and More Anxiety.

The hunt for employment is a dog eat dog world and prior to now, I thought that the shade and two-facedness was only between colleagues. What I’ve discovered since graduating is that the worst culprits of all of that are those in management positions. Whether it is a status related trait or just the type of person that fits those positions, I don’t know. What I do know is that having a successful career after university is not as easy as it was ever made out to be – especially a career in childcare, I’ve found. Nursery politics are, quite frankly, a pain in the backside and not worth the trouble. I am not the type of person to befriend management with the goal of getting promoted because I believe in earning recognition for your work and for doing it successfully.

My problem right now is that I have seemingly wasted three years of a degree and two years of postgraduate experience in a sector that practices a quick rotating door, fake friendships and the constant “you’re a glorified babysitter” comments. My friends say that I should find something in retail or an office, but the truth is that that is all I applied to for six months and got nowhere. I love to work with children and to influence their growth and teach them things. It just seems that the stars are aligning against me. Things like this make me think what is truly wrong with me that I am so unlucky in work, which is no way helpful for my mental health that is already suffering. I have recently been put on new medication after having a slip and taking myself off the last lot for six months. I have learned my lesson in that sense, as the last six months have been haywire.

Next week I have to visit the job centre for the first time in my life to discuss my options and not only is that degrading to my need to provide for myself, but it is a setback for my anxiety levels. Is the person I speak to going to judge me? Are they going to think that there is something wrong with me? Will I be laughed away and told to act like an adult? Will my friends and family be better off with me not being around? Accepting help is not in my nature and never has been, but perhaps it will be better than dealing with things by myself.

The thing with mental health issues is that a lot of the time you know how you should feel, but making yourself feel that way is impossible. I need to keep telling myself that I am not a failure.

Because I am not.

I am a university graduate.

I am a childcare practitioner.

I am a hard worker.

I am a daughter, a sister and a friend.

And I deserve better than to beat myself up over the opinions of those I do not encounter.

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BLOGMAS 4 | TREAT YOURSELF

Spoiler alert... I spent a lot of money at Boots this week. After a haul on Cyber Monday, I still felt like I didn't have enough new things in my collection and I had completely forgotten the one thing that I actually needed to repurchase - of course! Off I toddled to Lakeside for a few hours out and £97 (NINETY SEVEN!!!) later, I was a new woman. A poor woman, but a new one. I've since misplaced the receipt so I'll go by the prices online and I'm going to smush both of my hauls together without the toiletries and Christmas gifts that I got for people. As I know they've been reading up on this here blog of mine.

First off, I don't own a good camera and the lighting in my bedroom is comparable to absolute shit at 2am when I just so decides to take these - let's also not get at how I have no idea how to photograph my hand for swatches or in general. We can all agree that I shan't be the next big beauty blogger unless I pay someone to take snaps for me. I don't have the eye for it at all. So, please, forgive me for the atrocity that is to follow...

Why did I think adding a scrunchie would be a good idea? Oh so not artistic...

Let's begin with the "bullet products" as I have taken to calling them -- also a reason I didn't buy a lipstick was that the packaging was too "bullet-like". Whatever is my mentality? I love the formula of the Revlon Ultra HD Matte Lip Colour and so I picked up another two, in a red red colour and a nice nude. The only thing that bothers me about this is that they are branded as 'matte' when they are everything but matte. I purchased initially thinking they were a liquid lipstick and would totally dry down, but not at alllllll. Really excited to try the red one this month as I'm a proper fan of a bright red lip, yaaaaaas queen. 

Remember what I said about not being able to take photos of swatches??

The second picture in this pair is actually my favourite picture I took in the entire thing and I'll let you in on a secret...the base?? That's a scarf - oops. I can't even use a nice floor in the house because we have four dogs and they shed everywhere! So yes, very very excited to try, yay. Tah, Revlon!

Nothing to say. No confessions. Wish there was.. Soz.

Everyone and their mother has tried to get me to look at colour correcting stuff, and to be honest I didn't think it would do anything for me because my skin is literally the worst it has been in years recently. But there was a free gift if you spent £15 on Soap and Glory items, so of course I picked a little something something up... They felt creamy when I swatched them - haven't used them yet but maybe in January I'll do a 're-haul' and see how I've come to like the products I picked up. These are smaller than I thought they would be for some reason... ??? Just me???

Throwback to when I thought I was artistic as fuck for getting other products in the reflection. Ooh. Aah.

The whole reason I even went into Boots was because I had forgotten to repurchase the Maybelline Anti-Age Eraser Eye concealer blah blah whatsit. Still not a fan of the awful applicator - seriously, it doesn't change the way it applies and it's absolutely disgusting that I just throw mine away when I get half way through so I can get a new one... Love this for under my eyes when I'm not wearing too much of a full coverage foundation. And another repurchase was the Rimmel Brow This Way Clear Brow Gel, an absolute holy grail product for me. I didn't know what brow gel was a year ago and now I can't do anything without it. Love this one. It's affordable and doesn't make my brows go crispy like a few others do. 

Still pretending to be artistic as hell...

Seventeen's Define and Conquer Contour Kit has been something I've seen here and there on blogs and Youtube and to be honest, I never thought much of it. The contour colour looks like it could have been a bit warm for me and the pale shade really does absolutely nothing for anyone. However, I tried it out today and I think I like it. It doesn't look too muddy like my Sleek one, but it can be built up and it's really subtle - which is a look I have been wanted to go for instead of my gross mishaps prior to this. Really enjoyed using it today and maybe it'll become a staple!

Why are liquid swatches so gross????

I've been wanting to try a bb cream for a while now, my skin has been a horrible mess of dry, oily and awful breakouts of eczema and acne for a while. I have no idea if it's the foundation I was using or the harsh weather we've been having. Either way, I wanted to give my face a break, but also not go with nothing on. I really thought that the Rimmel BB Cream in 'Radiance' would be a more watery consistency as it was supposed to give you a dewy-glowy finish...however, the watery of the two was the matte. Maybe it's just me that thought that would be the way.. Haven't tried the radiant version yet, will probably do in the week. The matte version is more full coverage than I thought -- maybe I just wasn't very clued in on bb creams?? I liked it. It's durable and lightweight and I haven't felt myself having to check the mirror every few minutes for creasing or worrying about scratching my entire makeup look off when I had an itch.

Oh man I could not get these pictures right AT ALL...

I love the formula of Revlon nail varnishes, and last year my Christmas look was ALL about them. This year, I wanted to pick up another bottle of Rebel Graffiti -- which I'm sure was the name of my red one!!! -- however it was black and white this year. But I still picked it up because I'm interested to see what I can do with that. I've been looking for a dark blue for a while, so I picked up a colour called Urban too. And of course, you can't have Christmassy nails without accent nails of gold and Essie do beauuuutiful glitter colours, yes! Very very excited.

I also picked up some Soap and Glory body washes and Aussie hair stuff, just because I was running low. And oh so sneaky Christmas presents too.. hehe!

Products Mentioned:

* Boots.co.uk product prices are correct, as of December 3rd, 2016

Revlon Ultra HD Matte Lip Colour in Seduction (nude): £8.99

Revlon Ultra HD Matte Lip Colour in (red): £8.99

Soap and Glory Kick Ass Concealer in Fake Awake (yellow): £8.00

Soap and Glory Kick Ass Concealer in All Is Calm (green): £8.00

Soap and Glory Kick Ass Concealer in Just Bright (purple): £8.00

Seventeen Define and Conquer Contour Kit: £5.99

Rimmel London BB Cream Radiance in light: £6.99

Rimmel London BB Cream Matte in light: £6.99

Revlon Nail Enamel in Rebel Graffiti (black and white): £6.49

Revlon Nail Enamel in Urban (blue): £6.49

Essie Nail Polish in Rock At The Top (gold): ??

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BLOGMAS 3 | HOLIDAYS AND ANXIETY

Blogmas Day 3... Here we are. I had planned to write something today about the bundles and bundles of wrapping I did yesterday, but instead I decided to word exactly how the festive period makes me feel. It's no secret to anyone in my life that my anxiety strikes at the worst of times and that anything involving social situations give me the worst headaches, stomach aches and every form of illness ever. Even putting it into words is hard enough and just getting this much down has taken me three hours and four cups of tea. I've considered going back to my original idea even though I didn't take any pictures of them -- I'm sure that I could do that later? But no.. anxiety is my life, and I can talk about it here. Besides, no one is reading this pile of crap anyway. I keep surprising myself when Bloglovin' automatically tweets the links to my posts, and then I went as far as retweeting it on another of my accounts. No comments yet, but people have seen it. They're clearly embarrassed for me...

Anyway.

Holidays and anxiety. The festive period is a hustle and bustle of people desperately needing something that by February, they won't care for. Or it will sit for years in the box, because they cannot possibly throw it away, as it was a gift! I am no different... My Mum buys us little pieces over the year to bulk out our present pile in December because she feels so bad about not affording much for us. Half of the time, that stuff goes into a box under my bed or stored in a corner of my room until she asks me why I haven't used it and goes on a rant about how ungrateful I am for the gifts she gets me. I don't do it on purpose, honestly. Actually, I probably should say that I try my hardest to use them, but sometimes I just don't find reason to. I love wine, but I can't get much use out of a bottle with a glass attached to the top. Too heavy to pick up!

Moving on to anxiety, though... I have to order online because I hate choosing gifts for people in front of people, I also hate going shopping on my own so Christmas puts that into overdrive as I wouldn't dare buy presents for my Mum or sister whilst they were with me. Tie that into my location...and well, Christmas shopping in Lakeside is more hell than hell itself. You've seen pictures of Black Friday sales in America? That's Lakeside over Christmas... It makes me panic, it makes me sweat, it makes me want to go home and it makes me hate myself for going through all of that. Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I do things as simple as shopping by myself without all of this drama? The truth is, I probably won't ever be able to and I'm slowly coming to terms with that. Luckily, this year I'm not working so I can just take some time to calm down if I get myself into a mess.

My top 3 calming activities right now:

• ONE: Going for a walk - I had forgotten how therapeutic that was until I went for one yesterday and it was positively glorious. I was able to put both earphones in and not worry about keeping up conversation. I could walk at my own pace and I could walk where I pleased and take as long as I wanted to. I felt free.
• TWO: Doing my makeup - Even if I'm not going out, I sometimes just put my face off and try new stuff.. I try winged eyeliner (heaven knows I have enough of them - I will find the right one!!), I try out lip colours and see how they last over time. And if I can eat with them - great to try out in the comfort of your own home in case you end up with red lippie on your chin!
• THREE: Finding something easy on Netflix to watch - Do I need to explain this one? I won't usually start a new show or watch a movie I've not seen if I'm in a weird way, because it involves too much attention and sometimes I just can't devote that when I'm busy thinking I'm public enemy number 1. I love to choose one of my favourites and watch that alone with my headphones. 

I've also recently spent a lot of time in the living room with my Mum and sister because somehow their presence soothes me -- or maybe that's the dogs cuddling on my feet...

23 days until New Year anxieties! 

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BLOGMAS 2 | OUR CHRISTMAS TREE

We're known to go over the top with our Christmas tree decorations - some would even say that we dress our tree like an Easter egg, with which we would agree. It's been this way as long as I can remember, really it has. Growing up, we never had a colour co-ordinated Christmas tree like a lot of people do. We'll put anything on our tree - the more sentimental, the better. We've had the same tinsel and baubles for years now and my brother, sister and I have specific hanging decorations to put on the tree. My Mum is a sucker for keeping anything that we've made and she has boxes of it - this year, we found an old Christmas card where Tori couldn't even spell her own name. What a little cutie pie!

One of my personal decorations from my Pittsburgh trip last year

This year, we've opted for the same as normal, draping the photo frames in tinsel, wrapping plants in twinkly lights and adorning every surface in Christmas ornaments that we've collected over the years - some proper ornaments and others squishies! I do love the squishies, there's currently an elf and a tree and a reindeer and the always lovely Christmas puppy. (Not our puppies, but a cuddly one -- not that my actual four-legged friends aren't cuddly)

Our Christmas tree - 2016 edition (we used to have one SO much bigger!!)

Our tree topper is a fairy that my Mum makes a dress for every few years and she has some sisters that we normally put on the walls, except they need new dresses ASAP! 

Happiest of Decembers!

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BLOGMAS 1 | SWEATER WEATHER TAG

Post 2 of today, well aren't I on a roll? After pressing submit on my last post, I tucked into a takeaway with my family and sat thinking about what posts I could do over December that would set a light under my creativity and everything would come together and I would be a one woman blogging show and every thought and feeling I had would be documented right here for all to see. BLOGMAS, my bloglovin' subscription yelled at me! Blogmas is the written version of the highly anticipated Vlogmas over on Youtube and I hadn't heard of it before now. Apparently it has been happening for a while, but that matters not. Here, over on Shannie Lou Who?! is Blogmas 2016. The first of many?? I don't have a complete outline of what I want to write, nor if I will post something christmassy everyday. Maybe it will just be a photo round up of my day or a recipe that I've used before because I'm having a boring day...or I've had an interview - I have a few of those coming up... We shall see!

To begin, I'm going to do something quick, seeing as it's coming up to 10pm and I'm craving my bed and Gilmore Girls (no, I still haven't got to the new season. I started another rewatch in the summer and season 5 is all I've gotten to!) 

THE SWEATER WEATHER TAG! Now, I saw this over on Louise Rose Railton's blog when I was looking for some Blogmas ideas at last minute. I noticed that Louise started Blogmas last minute last year and think she has such a cute blog over there, so thanks for ideas, Louise!

1. Favourite candle scent?I'm partial to any sort of rustic smell around this time of year, but my all time favourite is one I picked up at Home Bargains - Lime & Cilantro scented, yum! Currently, I've been burning my Yankee Candle that my friend Zoe got me for Christmas last year in the scent Christmas Eve. It's delicious smelling and I have a slight love for the flicker of a flame dangerously bouncing next to my book shelf. Living life on the edge, as always.

2. Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate?Now, I love all three options...but I have to be in certain moods. I'll have a coffee if it's the only thing available or if I buy it from Starbucks or Costa. Most of the times, I'll make myself a tea in the morning and my Mum will make me a big mug when I've just woken up. I'm never not in the mood for a cup of home made tea. Store made just doesn't cut it for me.. Hot chocolate, however!! Doesn't everyone love a mug of hot chocolate (made with all milk and none of that boiling water nonesense) with whipped cream and marshmallows and chocolate sauce? It can't just be me!

3. What’s the best fall memory you have?Watching the American transition between Thanksgiving to Christmas in merely 24 hours last year. Holy heck was it delightful! I felt like I was watching a battle of the festivities. 

4. Which make up trend do you prefer: dark lips or winged eye liner?Dark lips, but only because I can't do a wing liner well at all... However, I also don't suit dark lips well. Ay yi yiiiiiiiiii.

5. Best fragrance for fall?
I'm a fragrance whore and I don't choose one to go with a time of year. If I like the smell of something, I'll use it until I find something I like better. There's a reason that I have multiple perfumes on the go for such a long period of time. Right now, I'm loooooving Marc Jacob's Daisy. Love heart eyes emoji for dayyyys.

6. Favourite Thanksgiving food?
Thanksgiving isn't a thing here in the UK (obvi), but when I encountered it last year when with my bestie Nicolle I was a total fan of the sweet potatoes. And everything else because I love food -- of course, look at me!

7. What is autumn weather like where you live?

British. It's cold, it rains and some days the sun is out and you think you can go outside without 50 layers and oh ho ho...you cannot! 

8. Most worn sweater?

I'll wear jumpers until they go threadbare and my Mum makes me get rid of them, but looking at my collection right now, it's probably my Ariana Grande 'Love Me Harder' one from Amazon. I got my sister and I both one so we could wear them in the run up to the tour but I already live in mine. It's the perfect combination of covered up and harbouring warmth, and not making me need to strip as soon as I walk anywhere.

9. Must-have nail polish this fall?
Dark berry reds with an accent nail of gold - love it!

10. Football games or jumping in leaf piles?
Jumping in leaf piles, obvi.

11. Skinny jeans or leggings?
I was going to say leggings because I love how comfortable they are, but as I've gotten older I've realised completely how unflattering they are and how much I could only wear them if I was wearing a dress or indoors or was a size 0. LEGGINGS HATE PLUS SIZE GIRLS.

12. Combat boots or uggs?
Combat boots all the way. I religiously wore Primark fluffy boots during my college years and the first year of my university education...never again! 

13. Is pumpkin spice worth the hype?
Nah.

14. Favourite fall TV show?
I'm A Celebrity always airs between October and December and it's become a staple in my house for years now. I think we collectively as a nation have crushes on Ant and Dec together, right? 

15. What song really gets you into the fall spirit?
ANYTHING Michael Bublé or Kelly Clarkson, yo.

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MEMORY LIKE A SIEVE

It is a well-known fact that I have an awful memory. My friends know me for not replying to messages (my friend Emma likes to say “you’ll wait 3 to 5 business days for a reply” about it) and for promising to make phone calls and not. It’s not that I do it on purpose or that I have a problem, but it is the best way for me to piss someone off. My favourite forgetful thing right now is turning around to walk somewhere and as soon as I have pivoted… (PIVOT!) I’ll have forgotten what on earth it was that I was going to do or get or go. It’s ridiculous. And so it makes perfect sense that I am the owner of a blog that I completely forgot about for a year and a half.

It’s currently December 1^st, and my family have spent the day putting out mouse traps and decorating the tree. We’ve had a difficult year and I don’t see it getting better in the near future – but it’s the holidays and no matter what trouble we have in the house, the festive period is always jolly enough and we go out of our way to get on. This is the first year I’ve gone absolutely all out on my presents for my family. My sister has two lots of concert tickets, my best friends have tickets to see Tom Parker (of The Wanted fame, my boo) in Grease. Mum is going to be the proud owner of a coffee machine, Graham some lovely whiskey and my brother a whole heap of DVD boxsets. It’s nice to have had a full time job and give them those things that they would love.

Whilst we’re on the updating… I quit two jobs this year. The first being the one I got four days after moving home from university after 9 months for something with better development opportunities, and the second being the one I left last week after 6 months in hopes to use free time to volunteer in the social care sector. I will be on my way to a social work masters in the next five years!

Whether or not I forget about this blog for another year and a half, it has a new title and a new feel to it. I don’t care about horrible bosses. I don’t care about bitchy workplaces. I care about politics, fluffy animals, warm jumpers and my morning cup of tea.

RIP Karma’s a Badword

 xo Shan

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THE END OF AN ERA

It’s done. The mountain that is university is over for me. I handed in my dissertation just over a week ago and I won’t submit another piece of uni work until I decide to study my Masters – after a bit of life experience, of course! Forget waiting for my results, I’m planning on avoiding that with a vengeance. No way do I need to be told that I ballsed up my degree in a last minute panic. That’s the worst kind of grade waiting – when you know you’re probably just going to scrape the grand grade of 40% and don’t care so long as it is that.

Goodbye to uni!

Which means that I’m allowed to start a new chapter in my life, beginning with slimming down for graduation so that I don’t feel like a beached whale in a dress that looks like a tent. My weight has always been an issue for me, and I know I won’t be able to solve it in the next few months alone. Starting this week I’m going to take an hours walk around my town in the evening and I’ll probably make use of the exercise equipment at the park. How long this lasts for.. only time will tell, but we’ll see. I’m unhappy with how I look right now and my current mental state is not way helping that. My goal is to fit back into a pale pink dress that I was only able to wear a few years ago.

Updates:

1.       I’m going to start taking this blogging seriously now that uni is over. My plans for the next few years are to spend time abroad and I’m hoping that I can use this platform to share my travels and the like with my family and friends.

2.       My flights are booked! I’m going to Pittsburgh for Thanksgiving and I’m ridiculously excited! 79 days and counting until I leave Heathrow for the States.

3.       Currently juggling with the idea of taking part in Americamp next year, but it really depends on the next few weeks of my life and how that pans out. A full time job offer will mean that I can’t take the 3 months off next summer and will have to put it off for another year. I may use the time to pass my driving test and apply for Au Pair jobs instead. A year in the US? Sounds like my kind of trip.

4.       I have finally started to read a little more of Gone Girl and aim to finish it by this weekend.

Until next time,

xo

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ME, MYSELF AND MY RIGHT NOWS -- JULY 2015

That’s it. I’ve dedicated myself to this whole blog thing. I’ve sold my soul to the blogosphere! I panicked about what this post would be about and after scrapping some nonsensical piece on where my head is at now that uni is finished. Monthlys, I decided this morning! (Yes, I’m writing this before my shift starts instead of abiding by my whole ‘write your blog post the night before!!’) I wouldn’t say these are favourites, at all. Mainly just ‘HI HERE IS WHAT I AM DOING RIGHT NOW WOOOOO’ but not all obnoxious and whatever else.

Swiftly (lol Taylor) moving on – here goes!

Reading watching planning saving for looking forward to craving

READING – Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

I wish I could say I’m enjoying this book, but I’ve been reading it since September and haven’t been able to get into it. I was planning on reading it before watching the film (and I’m still going to do that, but I’m still bored by this book!) I haven’t yet formed an attachment to either of the main characters and doubt that I will. I will finish this book though. I will! When I finish one of my essays then I definitely will. Definitely on a day I don’t have a 10 hour shift at work. – Can you tell that I don’t do well with condensing my words?

WATCHING – Gilmore Girls starring Alexis Bledel and Lauren Graham

This is most definitely a rewatch! US Netflix and I are practically best friends now that it has all of my favourite shows in full on there. I’ve found myself responding to any questions with ‘nothing that Shakespeare couldn’t make into a good play.’ Life. Life. LIFE. I just love Lorelai and Rory’s dynamic! I’m loving seeing Chad Michael Murray without watching One Tree Hill and suffering for my Brucas feels (more on that in fifty years)!

PLANNING – A nap!

Now that I am a working woman, I am all about the napping. I’m taking them on the sofa, potentially on my bedroom floor, on top of ironing piles and of course in my bed. We won’t mention the one nap I took on the toilet after my first ten hour shift of working at this place.

SAVING FOR – Driving lessons and a trip to Pittsburgh

I’m supposed to be saving enough to book flights to America for November so that I can spend Thanksgiving and a birthday with my best friend, but we’ll see how it goes. I shan’t be able to book my flights until at least my August pay day but prices might have a big increase by then. We’ll figure it, though. I may go next year to stay with Nicolle and have booked my driving lessons and passed before then. Hm. Oh, decisions, decisions!!!

LOOKING FORWARD TO – Tomorrow!!!

That’s my day off for this week. I was supposed to have Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off but the thing with being bank staff is that when you’re asked to work another shift you kinda can’t say no. Unless you’re dying or bleeding from ever crevice. Even then, I think I would still have to go in. No complaints though, I’ll just think of the money I’ll get at the end of the month and try not to cry over how little time I have to write my essays before my deadline next week. Thanks, work! My textbooks are currently upstairs gathering dust…like the rest of my potential. (Gilmore Girls, ftw!)

CRAVING – A boss without the ability of making me feel the size of a pin head.

--

I’m thinking of publishing a post each Sunday and each Wednesday so I’m going to try a few weeks with that and see how I find it.

What are YOUR right nows?!?

Happy Wednesday!

-xo

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HELLO MY NAME IS... NICE TO MEET YOU

The last 24 hours of my internet history consists of ‘first posts of popular blogs’, ‘winged eyeliner tutorials’, ‘Goodreads giveaways’, ‘how do I stop being so useless’, ‘saving money skills’, ‘lose weight detox’ and an array of Netflix links. That isn’t my name, but it covers 80% of what would be listed under it in a dictionary. I don’t claim to have appropriate answers for any of my Google searches and any of my lifelong problems, questions and inner turmoils. Hell, I don’t have an inch of an insight into what I’m going to have for breakfast tomorrow – or if I will even be awake for breakfast time. That’s my point. I have unlimited questions and unlimited problems; I answer or solve one and three more replace them within a matter of minutes. I. Am. Flawed.

Flawed, also isn’t my name.

Shannon is.

I’m 21. I’m weeks away from finishing my university education and have moved back to Essex from Derby to live with my parents because I’m too poor to afford my own place. I’m back to sharing a small bedroom with my teenage sister and sleeping on the bottom bunk whilst a boiler makes surviving in this room miles away from possible. I have a tendency to grow my hair and then have it all cut to my shoulders because I’m too lazy to deal with the upkeep of long hair. My long-term loves are Disney, Harry Potter and spending obscene amounts of money on Amazon.

My name is Shannon, and this is my blog.

-xo

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